Returning the Favor and other Slices of Life

Returning the Favor
Returning the Favor
Now Available on Smashwords for Kindle and other ebook readers!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Warning

Started re-reading Transmetropolitan.

Felt inspired.

Might need a little push to take the gloves completely off.

But just a little, itty bitty one.

So let's start small. I bought a gun. A shotgun. A big, black, compensating for the white-guy dick I'm swinging shotgun. It goes boom really fucking loudly. I bought it because the old folks around the corner from us got robbed. Twice. While they were home. A couple of cockknockers broke into their house while they were sleeping and robbed them at gunpoint. In their own goddamn home.

I have warned Suzy that if anyone breaks into the house with impure thoughts she should contact our next door neighbor Johnny immediately. Johnny is a drywall contractor. A short-barrelled shotgun has quite the spread. I fear for the integrity of the hallway walls.

Do I have to turn in my liberal card because I bought a shotgun and don't bat an eyelash at the concept of liquefying any asshole that threatens my wife or my personal well-being? Do I have to throw away my Obama T-shirt because I went to the range with Special K and remembered that I enjoy shooting things? Nah, there's some delicious irony about going to a firing range wearing an Obama shirt.

Everybody's freaking out about swine flu. I don't give a fuck. I haven't given too much of a fuck about things that might kill me since they told me sunlight causes cancer. Let's review - the source of all life on the motherfucking planet causes cancer and requires that you get pieces of your face occassionally cut off. You shoulda seen my dad's nose a few years ago. I shit you not, his dermatologist's last name musta been Frankenstein. So if sunlight causes cancer, which can kill you, but without sunlight we begin to freeze ohhhh about eight minutes after the thing goes away, then why would I worry about piggy flu? Fuck it, there are too many people in the world anyway.

Yeah, I mighta been a little testy lately. Mighta been wound a little too tightly. I got a ridiculous project that's threatening to eat my entire Atlanta office, both my NC sales goofs have issues with their issue (or the wenches that spawned them), and I lost and halfway regained a job in the last week. That might make me a littly salty. Deal. Or don't. Whatever.

Fuck I love me some Spider Jerusalem. Makes me wanna write. Thanks, Garth.

4 comments:

DrChako said...

As a 21 year combat veteran, I have no problem with gun ownership. My dad owned several rifles and pistols. And yet, I don't have one in my house. Too many horror stories in my ER. Just make sure you can see what you're shooting at.

That said, I do own one weapon that I'm really dying to use on the next idiot who breaks into my house while I'm home (yes, someone broke into my house while we were all sleeping).

Beware of doctors wielding crossbows.

-DrC

PS. The greatest threat to humanity is a virus. Just not this one.

BadBlood said...

Ya, it's a good ting I hahv my own gunz to use. C'mahhhhhhn!!!!

Riggstad said...

Let's review...

*Just purchased shotgun with the main intent to "liquify" the next cockknocker that walks in the house.

*"Who cares, there's too many people in this world anyway"

*Obama shirt

*lives in the south

And I've seen you eat wings as well!

I believe what we have here is a true common sense conservative hiding behind the liberal banner only because he was so embarrassed by the previous dope who represented the party. Not that I blame you. Cause I fit that bill partially.

I would just never wear an Obama shirt :)

Drizztdj said...

All I'd ask is if you can fire it safely.

If yes, weld away, hope you and Suzy feel safer at night.

If not, I'd suggest a gun safety class for you both. Everyone should know how to load, clean, and fire if they have access to it.