The Guarantee

So I finally got my seat in the blogger $1/2 NL game, and it was a rollercoaster for me and my poor little chip stack.

Yes, I paid off my entire stack to Speaker when he caught a flush with 7c4c out of position.

Yes, I Hollywooded an old lady into calling another $50 on the turn when I held the stone cold nuts.

Yes, I gave that same lady back all $100 I took off her six hands later when I didn't see the flush hit because I was looking at the cocktail waitress' ass.

Yes, I felted Spaceman with a rivered flush when I was waaayyyyy behind his AK with my AJ.

Yes, he took it back three hands later by cracking my KK with KQ sooted. "I need two Queens." I knew it wasn't going to be pretty when I saw a Queen in the door.

Yes, I took it back AGAIN when I flopped trips with an Ace kicker and slow-played him into pushing.

But THEN things got interesting.

I knew he was an asshole when he sat down. You've seen him all over Vegas cardrooms - perfectly groomed 42-year old guys with just a little bit of bling and a whole lotta attitude. He sits down with about $100 in reds and a few green chips, which don't play at the $1/2 table at the IP, so he had to get them changed. Immediately he does something silly and the dealer reaches out for his chips and he responds with "don't touch my chips, sir, I'm a trained professional," and I know this could get entertaining.

This Josh Arieh wannabe has just sat down at a table with me, Speaker and Daddy, three of the biggest smartasses ever to sling chips together, and he's starting shit with the dealer right away. This could be fun. A few hands later he's in the SB and throws out a red on top of his $1 SB. Dealer confirms that it's just a call, and nasty guido-looking fucker (NGLF from here on out) snaps back with "I have to announce a raise, it's a call," like everybody at a $1/2 game adheres to all the protocol of the game. So I'm just waiting for the inevitable collision between bloggers and NGLF.

I don't have to wait long. Daddy raises to $15 from MP and NGLF calls out of a blind. Flop comes down 337 rainbow, and NGLF bets $30. Daddy looks down to check out the chip counts, and raises another $50 on top. NGLF decides that this is a good time to show everyone what a smart guy he is, so he turns his 7 face up and slides his cards into the muck, oh-so-proud of his big laydown. Daddy tables his KQc for no pair and rakes the pot.

NGLF goes apeshit, telling Daddy what a mistake that was, how now he has "a tell on you," and then he says it. We had him repeat it just to make sure those words had come out of his mouth, but he did indeed make The Guarantee - "I'll have all your chips in half an hour, I guarantee it."

"Excuse me?" queries the donkeyfucker.

"I'll have all your chips within 30 minutes, I guarantee it." repeats NGLF.

I've heard enough, so I reach in my pocket, slap a $20 on the table and tell NGLF that I've got $20 says he can't do it. He takes my action. Meanwhile, the Baconmeister is flummoxed.

"Dude, I just played circles around you and now you think you're gonna stack me?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna have all your chips." replies the NGLF.

Daddy tries to defuse the situation and bring an air of fun to the table by offering the guy his hand, but NGLF refuses to shake the hand of the man who invented the Hilljack Double-Gainer CrossGrip with a Half Twist, and I know it's about to be, as they say, "awn like neckbone (only works when read aloud)." NGLF looks at Civilian Phil for help, but none is forthcoming, as civilian Phil from the ATL is having a great time playing with us, and has nothing but disdain for NGLF. Then he looks to Irish Reader Tim and mutters "that guy's a prick, huh?"

Now Irish Reader Tim has only spent the last 48 hours caught up in the whirlwind of the WPBT, so even though he doesn't blog, he's an honorary drunken degenerate, so no solace for NGLF here, either, as he replies with "leave me out of it." I dodge pots with the NGLF for a couple hands, figuring that I don't wanna get involved in a pecker-measuring contest between a donkey-fucker and chihuahua molester, but then it happens.

Irish Reader Tim raises preflop. NGLF pushed all in, and throws a glare to Daddy. Daddy peeks at his cards, adjusts his nut sack, and says the words we're all waiting to hear: "I Call." IRT calls, and they all flip 'em up. IRT has TT. NGLF has QQ, and I swear I saw his hair gel melt when Daddy flipped up his Aces. Daddy didn't even look at the table, but he could hear from the sound of one Guido-gourd exploding that he had held up. As NGLF sprinted from the room in a bout of Rosen-level ubertilt, all I could think was "serves him right, the bitch." And Daddy rakes in some seriously stout stacks.

Then I remembered. And just as NGLF passed the brush I yelled out "Hey! You owe me twenty bucks!"