Okay, look

So I'm counting on my director not seeing this post until tomorrow at the earliest, so Chris, if you're reading this -FUCK OFF FOR A DAY, YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THE BULLSHIT THAT I'M ABOUT TO SPEW.

The rest of you might not, either, but now you're intrigued.

We open in five hours and I've started to freak out a little. I'm looking back over my lines, doing those things that a diligent actor does (regardless of the fact that those very actions are counter to what a diligent employee should be doing, but anyway), getting focused, and I'm starting to freak out more than a little.

This is the biggest role I've ever done. By a lot. I'm a character actor. That's theatre speak for fat, if you're not in the business. Those of us who are not what society typically brands as beautiful are spared the terror of having to learn many lines in plays, because we aren't cast as leads. Well, I went and fucked that one up, and now I have the worst feeling that I can't carry the part, and that all my work is gonna be for nothing, that I'm gonna get another shitty review telling me that my character is one-dimensional, or at least that I'm gonna fall off the stage, get kicked in the jaw and eye or rip my pants all down the front from knee to belt.

BTW, two of those three things have happened already this week. You guess which two.

I know it's just jitters, but there's a lot of people counting on me to not fuck up the landing, and I'm absolutely fucking terrified right now and having a big bad case of the "FUCK why did I want this part?" second thoughts.

I know it'll be okay. I hope. I know. I hope. I hope I know. I gotta go look over my lines again. And maybe eat a Xanax and drink a Red Bull.