Returning the Favor and other Slices of Life

Returning the Favor
Returning the Favor
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Thursday, July 20, 2006

No, really, I mean it.

Upon consideration of the current state of affairs in our country, and the dismal outlook for presidential candidates from both parties in the upcoming 2008 presidential election, and upon reading the requirements for serving as President of the United States of America, I have decided to enter the race to be the Republican Party’s candidate for the next President of the United States.

No really, I’m running for President. I’ve got less than a year before things really start to kick off in the campaign front, so I’m currently soliciting for a campaign manager. Preferably someone with a clue about political campaigns. I’m sorely lacking in that department.

I have decided to run for several reasons. Firstly I have no faith in anyone who has announced their intentions to run for President so far, nor do I have any faith in the current leadership of either party to run our country any more effectively than it has been run in the past five years.  Secondly, I will be 35 by November of 2008, I am a native citizen of the US and it’s my right to do so. Thirdly, I think it would be nice if the leader of the country was someone who actually lived like a normal person for a change. Finally, unlike most of our previous presidents, it would actually be a significant increase in salary for me.

I have chosen the Republican Party for very specific reasons. I have always been a registered Independent voter, leaving myself the freedom to vote in any primary I choose, usually to vote against a candidate that  I felt could be particularly harmful to my city’s government were he or she to be elected. I believe in the tenets of the real Republican Party, not the fascist neo-conservatives that have hijacked the party in recent years. I am in favor of small government and individual freedoms. I am in favor of fiscal responsibility. I am in favor of individual liberty without the fear of the government sticking their nose in the business of grownups who aren’t hurting anyone.

Here are some hot-button issues that will make large numbers of people unhappy with me.

  1. I am not going to have an abortion. My opinions stop there. Since I personally will not have one, I will not legislate them.

  2. I am married, and I am not gay. I do however feel that all people should suffer equally, so I am in support of gay marriage. Why should straight people be the only ones miserable?

  3. I am in favor of gun control. Handguns really only exist to kill people, so if normal people own things that only exist to kill people, then things like trigger locks should be mandatory so kids can’t kill people.

  4. I support our troops in Iraq. I also think they should not have been sent to Iraq in the first place and would like to pursue bringing them home as quickly as possible.

  5. I think the current system of taxation is stupid and needs to be fixed. This will have to be done by people smarter than me, but I’m willing to hire them to do it.

Basically, my belief is that all common sense has left our government in favor of partisan politics and elitist corporate agendas. I would instill some common sense back into our government, along with a healthy sense of humor. After all, can’t you just see me referring to the French Prime Minister as a cheese-eating surrender monkey at a G8 summit? My platform consists of this statement – Vote for me, because it’s no stupider than anyone else elected in recent history!


AlCantHang said...

You forgot to mention the kilt!

Tommy said...

Why not libertarian?

biggestron said...

I'll vote for you, even though I cannot actually vote.

One question from the debate moderator:

How do you feel about this particular rule?

No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of *thirty-five* years, and been fourteen years a resident within the United States.

DadWarbucks said...

You got my vote as long as you allow poker games in the Mural Room on a weekly basis... AND....
blow jobs for the male participants from sexy white house aids following the game.

BigPirate said...

I ran for school board once so I can help.

All President's these days seem to be from the South so you got that going for you.

Drizztdj said...

What are your thoughts on online gambling?

This may sway my vote.